Story

When I was young

Having time to to ponder on your own deep thoughts is essential to a balanced life. I have been extremely busy since starting my career as an IT engineer this April. In the midst of things, I occasionally stop thinking about tasks from my boss, and reminisce the dream I had ( I still believe the dream is still lingering somewhere in my heart). I can literally feel that dream and passion slowly fade away as I mingle with my co-workers. It’s not that I hate this job or want to quit; it is just that the job I landed is not one that I can live passionately with—in other words– this job I have is not what I really want in my life. I am probably saying this because I know what I wanted to be and how hard I worked on until my graduating from university. To be honest, I thought I was one of kind, nothing like the other men around me. Not that I was trying to be cocky, but I had this gut feeling telling me so.

 

At work, there have been so many things I did not know before, and I’ve been forcing myself to learn them all by heart; now my heart is full of things that are useless to me.

I had great people who supported me. I had friends I shared the best moments with. I had a woman I loved the most. And I had a dream. In retrospect, it might have been just wishful thinking to have them all, but it is true that I had them at some point before. Once my grandpa, who passed away 3 years ago, told me that life was a full of unexpected events, which now strikes as reality. I lost them all; watching them part from me and my soul without taking any motion to stop them. I wanted to convince them to stay with me, but sometimes it’s just not the way you control the situation for the sake of making others happy.

 

Every once in a while, after coming back home from work, I am burdened with negative emotions and suffer with all the thoughts: “would’ve, should’ve, might’ve and what if”, bringing me to tears, kicking myself for wasting my life in a way and not being able to change my. Four walls surrounding me silently get closer and closer, closing any escape route crushing me in to death. The darkness of the night gradually invading into my heart and brain untill I finally am broken down on my knees, and heavily load on my sholder.
I once had great moments where I felt I was sitting on the top of the world where everything went my way as I wished.
I used to be a kid who had a dream to be a super star just like Michael Jackson. I would always videos of him performing on stage in front of tens of thousands of people screaming and going crazy for him. I would always practice his moves by watching these inspirable videos on YouTube.

 

I wanted to be like him. A man who can heal the world, inspire people, touch millions of people’s lives, motivate people who think they aren’t somebody to anyone, and a man who can give unfailing love to his beloved ones.
However, I found out that I was just another boy, just an average boy who was just dreaming of being someone great, and unfortunately nothing I had was sticking out above the rest. Notwithstanding, the desire to be like him is still alive in my heart in regardless of who I truly was, and I needed some sort of chance or opportunity to emulate him.
As a time progressed, this desire slowly slipped away from my mind, but when I went to the United States as an exchange student, feeling of being someone great rekindled again beyond the shadow of doubt.
Since then, I have engaged in things I things I love doing and things I wanted to achieve in life. I gave it a shot. I created a YouTube channel, soundcloud, wrote articles and etc. trying to see how far I could push myself. I had rough time every once in a while, but I overcame them. But now look at me.
I am currently working as someone who I did not even imagine of being, and feel depressed all the time. I am still working on my dream and goal in my life which I usually don’t share with people in that they usually aren’t able to wise up what I tell them for the most part. It is not that I am complaining about them, but it simply is that most of people are just spending time working not even trying to reach their full potential.
I always have questions in my mind bothering me constantly, “why are people able to live life just like this as if they were just having good time conducting something they don’t even know if they like or not “.

What is life? Am I pushing myself hard enough? Am I supposed to be stuck in this dead-end job? Did I make wrong choice? I probably made wrong choice in the past for sure. Have I learned some lessons off of it ? ready to implement solutions for it? I guess I need some more time.  What about you? Are you having the time of your life? If you do, tell me how and why. That’s all what I need now.

 

 

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2 replies »

  1. Hi,
    No, I am not having the time of my life now, I feel like I am being forced to live a life that I dont want, In return I feel like I am losing my Identity, losing my purpose. I am a work from home dad, who watch out for his son while doing some work, that I used to really love, but now, I dont know anymore. It is like I am in the dark right now, lost, and dont know where and what to do. Makes me feel Sad, Angry, and hateful. But what shall I do? No one is left to take care of our son, wife is earning more than I am, and in the first place I thought this situation would be awesome, but now I dont think it is. Life..I wish I am a kid again, no worries, I dont even think how people will judge me back then, I dont even worry about my future, I just enjoy every moment way back then.

    • hi Rob,
      Thank you for your comment. I really can relate to you except for the part of being a dad. I haven’t married yet but I had only but one girl who made me think about it once. I was not ready then and thought light of it, but it’s not that light stuff to just laugh off. It gives you a lot of pressure and even probably make you doubt yourself if you will become a man enough to take care of them with all of your love.
      I think it is matter of how you define yourself. some people are happy just to have whatever they want, but struggle, in the same breath, with who really they are. it dose not matter what you have around you as it always does not. It’s not external, rather that, it’s more of internal stuff we are dealing with. It does not matter how beautiful woman you have, how much money you have, how much you care about them, after all it always boils down to the question. ” are you satisfied with yourself?”.
      I always come across people as a person who has a girlfriend, who has a great sense of humor, who are really caring, who are archiving some great stuffs in my life for I always act that way and do what I told people. They just think that I am just saying a thing and fool around, but it’s not entirely true at all. Every second in my life, I am dying, thinking really hard about what is life and who I am. I am empty man, whistling in the dark

      But it’s all bullshit, pardon my French, but There is always a sad thought hanging right over my head. It’s just so hard to find yourself, and this is the pain that makes you even not be able to take a breath when you are alone. It’s like fighting against yourself all the time, beating up yourself, blood is all over your heart and soul. You are not happy till you get your act together with a solid gut feeling that you are finally doing what you really wanted in your life.
      And this is something that only those who want to be better always, and sacrifice themselves but put up a smile on their faces will go though. This is tough, and almost like killing yourself.
      Happiness isn’t given, it’s what you will find by yourself and obtain with your bear hands.
      And only the chosen people can get to face this difficulty. So hang in there, Rob. So do I.

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